Recently, I’ve been going through a hard time.
I broke things off with a girl I liked. She was a classmate of mine in high school, and we’d spent a lot of time talking and playing games together for about a year. Eventually I confessed my feelings to her. I told her that I liked her a lot and that I could picture us having a happy relationship.
But her answer was vague. She neither rejected me nor said she felt the same way. She told me that she didn’t feel a spark between us, but at the same time, she didn’t give me a clear no. That uncertainty left me hanging.
Then, a few days after my confession, while we were playing Stardew Valley online and chatting, I asked her directly what our relationship was. She said we were just friends. That hurt, especially after I had already told her how I felt.
About a week later, I started thinking that I should just let it go. I stopped messaging her, and she didn’t reach out either. A month later, she asked me if we were going back to being friends?
I was a little pissed off. Go back to being friends? When had we ever actually started a relationship? What frustrated me most was the ambiguity. If someone I didn’t feel a spark with confessed her feelings to me, I don’t think I would leave her hanging or tell her that she needed to try harder to win me over. I would rather give her a clear answer, even if it hurt. Keeping someone in that uncertain position feels unfair.
I talked about all of this with some close friends. I also started watching a lot of movies in my spare time. I watched Frozen I and II, Zootopia I and II, and the Before Trilogy so many times that I started to remember some of the things Céline and Jesse said:
“I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.”
“Even being alone is so much better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.”
When I’m watching a movie, I lose track of time. For a while, I stop thinking about the stress, the confusion, and everything that happened.
It keeps me sane.